The Lateness of God

If you've listened to the Podcast then now you know what all the forgiving I had/have to do is about. I'm going to link it at the bottom of the blog post so that if you haven't listened to it then you can before you start reading.

As I mention in the podcast I want this testimony and blog to do good and to glorify God. Even when I was in the thick of deciding whether I should stay or go I always wanted this story of my marriage to help someone somewhere. I didn't know if I would be able to share this as an “I’ve overcome and we’re better than ever” testimony or a “we didn’t make it but I still have hope” testimony either way I prayed for God to use it in his own timing. I didn’t know if that meant a month later or years later but I knew I wanted to be bold for God whenever the time was right to share. Eva started her podcast earlier this year when I started my blog and by knowing her and seeing the work God has for her to do He truly opened up the opportunity to let my testimony be heard in a raw and authentic way and for it to reach many. As the song goes,

“I'm just a nobody

Trying to tell everybody

All about Somebody”

• Nobody by: Casting Crowns

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering “why” around so many details and circumstances that happened in my marriage leading up to the table-turning news of infidelity. I’ve since learned that there is beauty in the lateness of God. He could’ve stopped the unfaithfulness from happening. He could’ve brought it to light sooner. He could’ve given me tangible evidence to keep me from thinking I was paranoid. He could’ve granted my life peace instead of me laying in bed night after night crying out to him to please help and fix whatever it was that needed fixing but he didn’t. I’ve put some of the pieces together and know that the lateness of this revelation was so that my marriage could be saved. If I would’ve found out months earlier when I had my first suspicions then we would for sure be divorced right now. Around August my Husband and I started marriage counseling and without that phase of healing, we wouldn’t have been able to overcome the shattering truth that was finally being set free. There wouldn’t have already been groundwork of communication or healing in other areas. Without this progress already taking place that revelation piled on top of all of our other issues would have completely deflated us with no hope of resurrection. I still don’t know the “why” for some of it but Lysa Terkeurst writes in her book “Forgiving what you can’t forget” that “knowing why isn’t going to help of it doesn’t make sense”.

God is also the one who weaps with me in something He could’ve prevented - Steven Furtick

God didn’t prevent it because He knew He needed to let it happen and as hurtful as that sounds I know I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without going through this trial of faith. I could’ve set myself free from this broken covenant but what if God saved this marriage and still allowed me to be set free? God never stops doing work within us and I truly have never felt closer to God than I do from walking through this valley and letting God lead me out. I am renewed and made whole in a completely different way that lets me find joy in my everyday. I’m free to focus on myself without guilt because I learned that I am more than a mom and a wife and that I NEED personal time to myself. I need to let myself be pampered and find joy in my hobbies again. I used to be so focused on what everyone else needed and wanted that I always put myself on the back burner but after being hit with a choice to live my life as a single mother I HAD to start thinking about myself again. So even though I was lumped with a deep pain that has become a part of my story I’m so grateful for finding myself again. I’m grateful for a marriage made new; a new vulnerability between my husband and me; a renewed peace for my God.

Podcast link 👇

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0sL9v87ndCPMdmuuWkD974?si=yajB_kkZTVOaOsdfs4ykgQ