Processing the pain

Did you know that I used to ride bulls? Yeah I know I’m pretty cool. Ha, I’m just kidding but I did ride. We went to the SLE rodeo last night and if you grew up in rodeo that atmosphere is electric no matter how long it’s been since you’ve been to a rodeo. When the bull riding started it made me remember a time when I competed too.

One of my rides, when I was younger, ended with me being carried out of the arena after being bucked off a 1,000 lb steer. Now I know that’s not that big in the category of bulls but it was huge compared to me. His hoof slipped under the back of my vest as his full weight came crashing down on top of me. I knew the risk back then but often when you know the danger that can result in pain is imminent it doesn’t hurt as much. In these circumstances when you feel this pain, it’s glorious because you made it through and now have an awesome story to tell all your friends. You feel strong, untouchable and gain a pretty big boost in self-confidence

But that’s the difference between physical and emotional pain they are not the same. Not all physical pain is expected but you know there is usually a plan in place to mend and heal the affected areas. We know it won’t feel or be the same but for the most part, you know that you won’t have to live with that pain forever. Emotional pain breaks you apart on the inside and no surgery or bandaid can fix it.

When I am in pain emotionally my first reaction is to turn away from that pain and let it numb me which I think for most of us isn’t healthy. I let Depression take over and let everything feel pointless and cold. Some may turn to more extreme substances. From my processing and healing, I took a different route from my normal default settings.

This isn’t what we want to do but allow ourselves to feel the pain. Take it in and soak in it so that you can find the root of it. Search yourself for answers. Why it hurts so bad. What realizations you’ve made about yourself. How you ended up in the circumstances that you did. Why God allowed it to happen. Which is the most painful question of all. Why God? Why bring me this far to let me fall? Why give me hope for a prosperous future just to have all of it stripped away in a day? Why tell me that you are good when this is the opposite of good? Aren’t you watching over me? Tough questions right?

Let this pain be the breaking of YOU. yourself, what you allow in your life, and the owning of your actions even the actions you didn’t take to do better in the future and then let it grow you! Re-soil the roots so that you can heal and eventually blossom. Take a deep dive into yourself and the person you want to be. The person you wish you were before it all came crumbling down. For me, I want to be so rooted in God's word and truth that no matter the situation I know I WILL overcome and I WILL be ok. I’ll have faith that a way will always be made and that this breaking of me is creating a stronger, wiser, humbled version of myself that will not easily be shaken. I thought I was that person then but I felt so ashamed feeling like everything I knew God to be was lost. Proof that my foundation wasn’t firm. This was part of my breaking I think to make me look back to Him. Don’t let what someone else may have done to you turn you into someone you never wanted to be. I never wanted to be someone who questioned God for my misfortune. Though there I was ignoring that the Devil was at play.

He may not bring you out of the fire but He will go through it with you! - Chuck Ford

I’ve seen the plans God has for my future which is why this one question hurt me the most. Did I see it wrong? Will I ever get to be as happy as I thought I would be? No, I didn’t see it wrong and yes I will be happy. This pain has rebuilt me to know that I can’t rely on the expectations I have of others but I can rely on God always. To make a way and create in me a content and happy heart no matter what. To know that even if no one else has my back in this life God does. I’m sure I will feel broken again but the truth I’ll lean into is God is leading me to something more beautiful and growing me only in the ways that God can grow me.

The promise of God is this: What’s ahead of you is always more than what’s behind you. - Steven Furtick

In the midst of this process be fearless! Do all the things you were afraid to do before. Rediscover what makes you happy because self-care is most important for you to be able to love and care for others. But you can’t do that if you don’t take care of yourself first. Find joy, set boundaries for people who haven’t been treating you well, and consider this pain a perfect time for self-love that eliminates toxicity.

Isaiah 43: 2&19 are wonderful truths to hold onto during this season of pain. Let it be a comfort for you. The pain you experience probably has layers of new feelings and details to work through even when you thought you were done and you end up praying for God to let the pain stop so that you can finally move past it. I know I get so tired of “growing” but I can always look back and know it served me.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

• Isaiah 43:2

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

• Isaiah 43:19