An open letter to my Offender

I know something we all wish we could do is say the things we would have said amid a heated argument and once the dust settles all of the untold declarations seem to nest in our minds hoping for the opportunity to one day say it out loud for them to hear. Well, I’ve been given that opportunity though the way this goes may surprise some people.

Here’s an open letter to my Offender.

Dear Offender,

The me you think you know is not the me at all. You were only served the worst version of me by someone else who was damaged and the thing is that you don’t know how deep that trauma goes because you don’t know them as I know them. Which is why I was able to forgive them. I know the demons of their past and know the examples that were set for them which also doesn’t make what they did right because they are grown and knew better. You’re both grown but there was still a lack of emotional maturity. This is why I can forgive you too. The mental and emotional maturity wasn’t there yet so that is why I pray for you to be better than you were and to grow and become a person who thinks before they ensue destruction upon others lives. “Independence” and “age” do not negate whether you are mature or not.

I like the way Lysa Terkeurst writes about maturity.

“Maturity isn’t the absence of hard stuff. Maturity is evidence that a person allowed the hard stuff to work for them rather than against them.

Maturity helps us see how hardships can add to what’s missing in our development. Maturity helps us become more self-aware. Maturity helps us process with healthier perspectives. Maturity sets us up for healthier relationships. And Maturity has a depth of empathy for others and a patience for imperfection that is less likely to get so easily offended.” - Forgiving what you can’t forget

I forgive you because you are broken too. I know the sins you committed against me are because there are some holes in your wholeness. I know the upbringing that you had was incredibly dysfunctional but at some point, we all grow up and have to choose to turn away from our traumas as children and become better versions of ourselves as adults. Your past no longer gets to play a part in your decision-making once you’re old enough to know right from wrong.

You are not my true enemy though the Devil is he was just using you for his schemes. You’re as much of a victim as me but you can choose to be free from all of that messed up junk. You can choose to overcome all the wickedness he’s placed in your heart and I truly pray that you do. You have to heal just like I have to continue to heal and without God, I’m not sure how you will be able to do that.

We aren’t meant to mend things or be apart of each other's lives but maybe this is the “Mercy” from the equal measures of mercy and justice that God is doing. Maybe the mercy in this is the mercy I gained from forgiving the same way Christ chose to forgive me of all of my sins. I have a few scriptures that I want to share because they are powerful.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. - Ephesians 4:32

I pray Ephesians 4:32 over the past situation. I pray for complete peace in us both to move on with healthy thriving lives.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

There’s no doubt that you were hurt too. I know the way that you were raised didn’t set a good example of what healthy and loving relationships should look like but our choices are ours and ours alone. So let peace and grace be the first things you seek in your life when you’re hurt. I promise you it prevents a lot less damage from being done this way.

Forgiveness is a process. Remember when I said that the weight of all of it would surely kill me in my first post about forgiveness? Well, it would have but now my process is longer because of it. Sometimes some offenses are so intense that it has layers of emotion staked inside of it and then we are left to sift through it all layer by layer. No one gets to tell you how long that process will take. We can choose to forgive but now we have to let God guide us through the shattered windows and the fallen roofs. There is no telling how long it will take to clean up and rebuild and it’s for no one to rush because it is all in God's timing.

Oh, and you were right by the way. We are completely different people and I thank God for that every day. I am completely at peace with the woman he created me to be. I still have some unpleasant feels floating around my heart but I do not want to carry ugliness and bitterness around forever. Something else Lysa Terkeurst says in her book is this

“The best time to forgive is before we are ever offended. The next best time to forgive is right now.”

I still have to choose to do this every day and if there is some cleansing or confessing that you need to do then text away my number has not changed.